When you stop talking about the hard things because you don’t want another fight
There's something you've wanted to talk to your partner about for a while and it's been sitting there for a few days, maybe even a few weeks.
You've been thinking about bringing it up on several occasions but you've noticed they're tired and have had a long day, so you think maybe tomorrow might be better. Then tomorrow comes but it's just the same busyness... work, dinner, kids, bedtime, and everything else...
So then you think maybe the weekend is a better time to talk and when the weekend come, you notice that things are feeling OK between you, you're both getting along, there's a lightness in the mood, life feels less hectic and pressured, and so you think, "Do I really want to ruin this by bringing it up now?"... and so you leave it.
Except, you don't really leave it because the issue is still there and you're still thinking about it. And something else happens and it reminds you of the issue and then you notice yourself getting more annoyed when you normally wouldn't be bothered this much...
And somewhere in the back of your mind, you're still having the conversation you actually haven't had.when talking starts to feel harder than staying quiet
Usually, there's so many reasons you've stopped bringing this up...
Maybe you've tried before and it hasn't gone well. Conversation gets heated, some gets angry, someone cries, there's criticism, defensiveness, frustration. Your heart starts racing and suddenly, it's all blown up in your face.
One person is desperately trying to explain why they're feeling hurt and the other has heard it as a criticism and begins to defend.
Then more things start come up and these words start coming out...
"It's always like this..."
"You never..."
"You always..."
"What about when you..."
"Oh whatever, I can't be bothered..."
And then you're not talking about the one problem anymore, you're talking about six months of problems at the same time and neither of you can follow what you're even trying to resolve.
Eventually, the kids need you, there's things to do, you're both so frustrated and the conversation gets put on hold again... at a place that is worse than it was before the conversation started.
When this happens enough times, it makes sense that eventually you start wondering whether it's even worth bringing things up or maybe you even start thinking...
"Are we right for each other?"
"They're just going to get defensive"
"I don't know how to say it properly"
"I've tried so many times and it's just so hard"
"I don't want to add more to their plate"
"They're already overwhelmed"
"I feel like I'm always nagging"
"Maybe we're just too different"
So staying quiet starts to feel safer than risking another fight.
the conversation you’re avoiding doesn’t actually go away
The thing is, we all know that problems don't go away... you can avoid it as much as you want, but the feeling doesn't disappear and when avoidance happens, you both end up carrying that feeling alone.
And when something is unresolved, it can start to colour the lens through which you see everything else.
Your partner forgets something small and it doesn't feel small to you anymore.
They pick up their phone while you're talking and suddenly it's more evidence they don't care about you.
They don't notice something that needs to be done and it confirms to you that you're doing everything alone.
Meanwhile, your partner may be having a completely different experience. They can probably tell you're annoyed or upset or something about something but just don't know why. So they start thinking...
"What have I done this time?"
"Why are they angry with me again?"
"How do I make this better?"
Maybe they try to hug you and you pull away cos you're still hurt and now they feel rejected and withdraw a little. And slowly, there's two people living in the same house, feeling hurt, both wanting to feel closer but not really understanding what's happening for the other person. 
something to try this week (as the person speaking)
Honestly, the answer isn't simply to "communicate more" because you've probably already tried to "communicate more" and it's repeatedly ended with both of you hurt.
Sometimes the first step is learning how you enter the conversation.
Before you work out exactly what you're going to say, notice what's happening in your body first. Is your heart racing? Are you angry? Are you preparing yourself for your partner to say the wrong thing? Are you walking into the conversation ready to prove your point?
If you're going into the conversation ready to prove your point or win the argument, it's definitely not the right time to talk.
Take a deep breath, slow things down, go for a walk, do something else... then when you are feeling more settled, instead of focusing on what your partner has done wrong, ask yourself:
What am I actually feeling?
Maybe underneath the anger, you're hurt... lonely... overwhelmed... feeling unimportant... rejected... unsupported...
Then ask yourself:
What do I actually want my partner to understand?
There's a huge difference between telling someone everything that's wrong with them and letting them understand what's happening for you.
What this means is, instead of "You never listen to me and you're always on your phone", maybe it's "I've been feeling a little disconnected from you lately because sometimes when I'm talking to you, you pick up your phone and I notice I start feeling that what I'm saying isn't important to you"
Then think about what you need.
"If possible, when we're in the middle of a conversation, could we put our phones away?"
something to try this week (as the listener)
And then there's work on the other side of the conversation too as the listener.
Listening to someone tell you that they're hurt can be really hard, particularly when you don't agree with how they remember something or you never intended to make them feel that way.
You might want to immediately explain yourself but it's important to notice that urge and trying (even for a moment) to hear what your partner is actually telling you.
Not because they're right and you're wrong and not because hearing them or understanding them means agreeing with them... but because the person you love is trying to tell you something about what they are feeling and what it's been like for them.
When you're able to have a conversation that doesn't erupt like a volcano, you'll also have space to share your experience too.
The goal isn't for one person to win... it's to create enough room for the both of you so that you can start looking at the problem together, rather than fighting each other. taking a break isn’t the same as avoiding the conversation
Sometimes, you won't be able to do this straight away.
You might start talking and realise one or both of you are becoming overwhelmed, angry or defensive to keep going productively.
That's when taking a break can actually be helpful.
But taking a break and avoiding the conversation are two very different things.
Avoidance = This is too hard and I can't be bothered / I don't want to go there.
A break = I want to have this conversation, but I can't do it well, right now. I need some time to calm down and then I want us to come back to it.
The important part is that you actually come back to the conversation. Because taking 20 minutes, an hour or even agreeing to talk the next day can be very helpful.
Repeatedly saying, "we'll talk about it later" and never returning to it, isn't helpful. how counselling can help
Sometimes it isn't that you don't know you need to talk. It's that the two of you have become stuck in such a familiar pattern that every difficult conversation seems to end in the exact same place.
One person pushes harder because they desperately want to feel heard. The other becomes defensive, overwhelmed or shuts down. The more one pushes, the further the other retreats.
And after awhile, you're both protecting yourselves from each other instead of actually hearing what the other person is trying to say.
Couples counselling can help slow the pattern down. It gives you space to understand what's happening underneath the anger, defensiveness, or silence. practice having the conversations that keep getting stuck and finding ways to express what you need without the conversation turning into a fight.
Often, underneath what's happening isn't that you both don't care about each other anymore, it's two people who've had enough painful conversations that they've stopped feeling safe to have the next one. ready to talk?
If difficult conversations in your relationship keep ending in arguments, defensiveness, shutting down or avoiding each other, couples counselling can help you understand the pattern you've become caught in and find a different way through it.
Better Days Counselling offers couples counselling in Melbourne, with in-person sessions in Mont Albert North and online sessions available. If you're ready to take the first step, you can book an initial session here.
If you're not quite there yet, you're welcome to reach out with a question first or you can start with the In-Between Service, which is four weeks of personalised email support for people who know something needs to change but aren't ready for counselling yet.