Maybe before you had a baby, your parents or in-laws could be a little annoying sometimes, but manageable. There were comments you rolled your eyes at, opinions you ignored, things you let go because it was easier than making a big deal out of them. Maybe you even thought, “that’s just how they are”.
Then you have a baby and suddenly all those things don’t feel so little anymore.
Now there are opinions about feeding, sleeping, routines, what the baby is wearing, how often they should see the baby, whether they should babysit, what you should or shouldn’t be doing and how they did things when they were raising you and you “turned out fine”.
And somewhere along the way, you started noticing that this isn’t just about having opinionated parents or in-laws anymore… you’ve started realising that your voice as the parent is getting lost. Like there’s an expectation that you should be listening to them and do things their way, they should just automatically have access to your child because they’re family, be able to come over or hold the baby whenever they want, buy whatever they want, comment on everything you’re doing or do things their way regardless of how you feel.
But sometimes the hardest part isn’t even what the grandparents are doing… it’s what’s happening between you and your partner because of it.
Maybe one of you thinks a boundary has been crossed and the other doesn’t really see the problem. Maybe one of you says, “they mean well… that’s just how they are… can we just let it go?” and now, what started as tension with the grandparents has become tension between the two of you.
When becoming a parent changes the family dynamic
After having a baby, you’re no longer just someone’s child, you’re now a parent and this can be a difficult adjustment for everyone.
Your parents may still be used to having an opinion about what you do, they may still be used to you seeking their approval, following their advice or accepting that they know best. Your partner may have the same dynamic with their parents too… or maybe they don’t.
But once you become a parent, things change. Sometimes you might not want advice, sometimes you might not need or want their approval, sometimes you might not want to have to explain every parenting decision you are making… sometimes, you might just want the people around you to just support you, trust you and follow your lead.
Understandably, this shift is probably hard for grandparents. They’ve been so used to calling the shots for so long and they probably developed their own expectations or assumptions of what it means for them to be a grandparent.
Maybe they feel they should see the baby whenever they want, expect you to bring the baby to them or want alone time with the child before you feel comfortable with it. Maybe they ignore sleep, feeding or parenting routines because they believe their way is better or they don’t understand this “new-age parenting style”… maybe they turn up unannounced, buy things you have asked them not to buy, use toys or presents to encourage your child to engage with them or make comments like “oh you’re mum won’t let you do that… that’s so sad!” or dismiss you by saying things like, “it’s OK, I’m your grandma, just come with me, don’t worry about it”.
Maybe sometimes they might even go around one parent and speak directly to the other because they know which person is more likely to say yes.
On their own, some of these things can seem small. But when they happen over and over again, it can start to feel like your role as a parent is being ignored.
When the grandparent issue becomes a relationship issue
This is often where it starts to become really painful between the couple.
Because when you’re the one feeling uncomfortable, you’re not necessarily asking your partner to cut anyone off or choose sides, but what you’re really asking is:
“Can you see why this is hard for me?”
“Can you take me seriously?”
“Can you stand beside me and back me up when this happens?”
But when the response you hear is,
“That’s just how they are”
“They don’t mean anything by it”
“You’re overthinking it”
“It’s not a big deal”
…it can start to feel like your experience is being minimised or dismissed and that can feel incredibly lonely.
You can start wondering whether your partner really has your back and it can begin to feel like you are on the outside of something, with your partner and their family on one side and you on the other.
That is often where the hurt becomes much bigger than the original issue with the grandparents, because you were never really asking your partner to choose between you and their parents… you were asking to feel like the two of you were on the same team.
When it’s your own parents, it can feel complicated
If the concerns are about your parents, this can be really difficult too. You might have spent your whole life keeping the peace, avoiding conflict or accepting certain behaviours because that is just what has always felt normal to you.
Setting a boundary may bring up guilt, fear or a feeling that you are being disrespectful or disloyal. You might worry about upsetting your parents, damaging the relationship or being made to feel like you have “to choose a side”. And sometimes, it can be confronting to acknowledge that something you have accepted for years may actually be hurting your partner.
And so, whilst your partner is trying to be understood, you might start to become more defensive because you feel caught in the middle. And soon, the conversation becomes about who is right rather than what is actually happening for each of you. 
Boundaries matter, and so does repair
Yes, couples need to agree on practical things.
How often will we see family?
Do visits need to be planned?
Are we comfortable with grandparents having the child alone?
What behaviours are OK and not OK?
Who will speak up when something happens that doesn’t feel OK?
But if one person has already spent a long time feeling dismissed or unsupported, boundaries alone may not fix the hurt. There may also need to be some acknowledgement of what has happened between you and this might sound like….
“I can see how alone you felt when I didn’t say anything”
“I know I kept defending my parents instead of listening to you”
“I didn’t intend to hurt you but I understand that I did”
Because sometimes the bigger question is not only, “what are we going to do about the grandparents?” but also, “can I trust that you will have my back next time?”
What being a team can look like
It can help to talk before family situations happen rather than trying to work everything out in the moment or only talking about it afterwards when someone is already hurt.
Ask each other what feels uncomfortable, what you are worried might happen and what support would look like if it does happen.
If it is one partner’s parents who are crossing a boundary, it can also be important for that partner to take the lead. This might sound like…
“We’ve decided this is what works for us”
“I know you might do things differently, but this is what we’re comfortable doing”
Using “we” matters, rather than “she doesn’t want you to…” or “he gets upset when…” because it shows that these are decisions the two of you have decided together instead of making one person look like the difficult one.
And if the family reacts badly, the partner whose parents are involved may need support too. They may feel guilty, sad or unsure whether they’ve done the right thing and sometimes saying something simple like “I know this is hard for you and I appreciate you stood up for us” can matter a lot. how counselling can help
Sometimes couples know they need boundaries but every conversation about family ends in the same fight. One person feels hurt and pushes harder, while the other feels blamed and becomes defensive.
Couples counselling can help slow that pattern down and create space to understand what each person is actually feeling underneath it.
It can also help you separate two conversations that often get tangled together…
1. What boundaries do we need with our families?
2. What has happened between us while we have been trying to work this out?
Because sometimes the hardest part isn’t setting the boundary but rebuilding the feeling that you are on the same team again.
ready to talk?
If parents, grandparents or in-laws have started creating tension in your relationship and conversations about boundaries keep ending in frustration, defensiveness or resentment, counselling can help you understand what is happening underneath the conflict.
Better Days Counselling offers couples counselling in Melbourne, with in-person sessions in Mont Albert North and online sessions available. If you're ready to take the first step, you can book an initial session here.
If you're not quite there yet, you're welcome to reach out with a question first or you can start with the In-Between Service, which is four weeks of personalised email support for people who know something needs to change but aren't ready for counselling yet.