Why telling your partner what they’re not doing doesn’t work
Maybe something has been bothering you for a while. You've noticed the same thing happening again and again, you've thought about it more than once, maybe replayed it in your head or feeling frustrated that your partner still hasn't noticed it for themselves. Maybe even you've come up with all these reasons as to why your partner is doing what they are doing and by the time you finally say something, you're frustrated, annoyed, angered, hurt...
So it comes out as "You never..." "You always... " "Why can't you..." "You are..."
But in that moment, all you want your partner to understand is how frustrated, hurt or fed up you've become.
The problem is, when what is said focuses on what your partner is doing wrong, your partner is receives the message that you think that they're lazy, selfish, uncaring, inattentive or whatever else has come out in that moment... and there's a part of you that genuinely thinks that by telling them these things, they're going to say, "oh yes, I am selfish and I won't be selfish anymore".
BUT in reality, when someone feels like they're being attacked, it's natural for them to go straight into protecting themselves. They defend, they explain what they've done, they point out the things you've missed, they might even tell you what you're doing wrong too.
And now, instead of talking about the thing that was actually bothering you, you're both trying to prove something. You're trying to prove your frustration makes sense and they're trying to prove they're not the person you've described them as.
The thing that you really wanted them to understand hasn't even had any airtime... after awhile, it stops being about what just happened
When the same thing has happened a few times, it can stop feeling like an isolated moment and start feeling like evidence of something bigger.
Maybe your partner forgets something again and your mind goes straight to "of course they forgot, I always have to remember everything".
Maybe your partner has left a coffee cup on the kitchen bench again and forgotten to take out the rubbish, and you're left feeling frustrated and thinking "why do I have to remind him, why am I always cleaning up after everyone, they're just so lazy and they don't care".
Maybe they look at their phone whilst you're talking and suddenly it connects to all the other times you've felt like you weren't being listened to.
Or maybe they don't help with something around the house and before you've even had the conversation, you've already decided "they don't care, they don't notice, they just expect me to do it, I'm just being taken for granted".
And once all that has started to happen, you're no longer reacting to the cup on the kitchen counter, the phone, the forgotten task or the late arrival home. You're reacting to what you've come to believe that moment says about your partner and your relationship.
So next time it happens, it's just another example that confirms what you believe.
If your partner forgets again... "See I really have to remember everything".
If they leave something for you to deal with again... "This is exactly what i mean, they just expect me to pick it up".
If they look at their phone whilst you're talking again... "They don't really care what I'm saying".
After a while, you're not just frustrated by what happened that day, that moment... you're reacting to all the other moments that have happened and feel like they're proving the same thing.the conversation usually means something different to each of you
By the time you bring something up, you're usually thinking about much more than the thing that's just happened. You're also thinking about the other times it's happened, the frustration that's built up over time and the meaning you've started attaching to it.
So when you say, "you never help" or "you don't care", you're probably trying to communicate the weight of everything that's been building for you and wanting them to start helping, start caring, start understanding...
But when they hear what's being said to them as an attack at their character, they're going to want to defend themselves. They're going to want to explain what they do around the house, remind you of all the times they have helped, tell you they do care, tell you why what you've said isn't right or fair, or they might even start pointing out the things you do that frustrate them too...
And this is usually where the two of you start having very different conversations.
You're trying to get them to understand why you're so upset, wondering why they can't see how much their actions hurt you and how exhausted you are... and they're trying to get you to understand why they're not the person you're describing them as.
So you explain more, bring up more examples, get louder, give them proof of all the things you do for them and ask them how come they don't do anything for you when you do so much for them and everyone else...
But when you give more examples and the harder you try to prove your point, the more critical you get and the more they try to defend themselves. what’s usually sitting underneath the criticism
If you strip back the "you always", "you never", and "why can't you"... there's usually something more vulnerable underneath.
Perhaps,
"You never help around the house" = "I'm exhausted and I don't feel like you see how much I am doing"
"You don't care about anything I say" = "I miss feeling like you're interested in me"
"You always choose work over us" = "I've been feeling lonely and I want to feel important to you again"
"I have to organise everything" = "I don't want to feel like I'm the only person thinking about what needs to happen next"
Usually though, the second version is much harder to say. It's about what is happening for you rather than what is wrong with your partner. It can mean admitting you're hurt, lonely, overwhelmed, disappointed or that you need something from them. Sometimes saying these things can be more exposing than being angry.
But when you can say what is actually happening for you, your partner has a much better chance of understanding where you're coming from and what you need from them, rather than getting stuck defending themselves. 
there’s a difference between raising a problem and criticising
One of the things that Gottman talks about is the difference between a complaint and a criticism.
A complaint is something that you're unhappy about, what happened and what you need.
"I've had a really hard day today and I needed more help with dinner tonight"
"I've been missing you lately and I would like us to spend more time together"
"When I talk and I see you using your phone, I feel unimportant"
A criticism is when the problem becomes about who your partner is.
"You never think about anyone but yourself"
"You're so lazy"
"I have to do everything around here"
"You don't care about me"
Sharing a complaint gives your partner a better idea of what is happening for you and what you need from them. It doesn't mean that they'll always agree with what you've said or that the conversation will be easy and all the problems will be resolved, but it can give you both a much better chance of actually talking about the issue rather than getting pulled into defending, explaining or proving who's right. something to try this week
The next time you notice yourself starting to describe what your partner is doing wrong or say, "you never", "you always", "why can't you...", don't stop yourself from raising the issue but instead, pause and ask yourself...
What is actually happening for me right now?
What do I need from my partner?
So instead of, "you never help unless I ask", maybe it could be "I'm feeling really overwhelmed by everything I have to remember at the moment and I need you to do the cooking tonight".
Or instead of, "you're always on your phone and you don't listen to anything I say", it could be "When I'm talking and you're looking at your phone, I feel like what I am saying doesn't matter to you and I need your attention for a minute".
It might feel uncomfortable to say it that way because you're being honest about what is actually going on for you, but communicating this way, gives your partner a much better chance of understanding what you're feeling and what you need rather than having to work it out themselves through the criticism. if you’re the person being criticised
If you're on the other side of this pattern, it can be really hard to hear what is underneath the criticism when the way it's being said feels attacking.
You don't have to agree with being spoken to harshly and you don't have to pretend that the words don't affect you.
But if the conversation can slow down enough, it can sometimes help to move away from defending whether what they said is right or wrong and try to understand what they're trying to communicate.
You might say something like:
"I can hear you're really frustrated right now. What is it that you're needing from me right now?"
This isn't about agreeing with what they've said but it's about trying to get underneath the criticism and trying to find a way to understand what they're saying in a way that's going to make sense. how counselling can help
When criticism and defensiveness have been happening for a while, it usually isn't as simple as telling one person to stop criticising and the other to stop getting defensive.
Both reactions are usually happening for a reason and usually one person may have spent a long time feeling unheard, unsupported, or alone, and the other may feel like whatever they do isn't enough.
In counselling, we can slow those moments down and look at what is actually happening between you. This might mean looking at what one person was trying to say, what came out instead, what the other person heard and what happened next.
The aim isn't to stop you from raising problems but it's to help you work out how best to communicate what is happening for you in a way that gives your partner a better chance of hearing it. ready to talk?
If conversations between you keep ending with one person feeling criticised and the other feeling unheard, counselling can help you understand why you keep getting caught in the same pattern and what might need to change.
Better Days Counselling offers couples counselling in Melbourne, with in-person sessions in Mont Albert North and online sessions available. If you're ready to take the first step, you can book an initial session here.
If you're not quite there yet, you're welcome to reach out with a question first or you can start with the In-Between Service, which is four weeks of personalised email support for people who know something needs to change but aren't ready for counselling yet.