What nobody told you about intimacy and sex after having a baby (or kids)
Before the baby, intimacy and sex might not have needed much thought. It happened when it happened and usually, there was enough time, energy and space for it.
Nowadays, it can feel like one more thing to add to a very long list of things to do and it's obvious to you both that's it's changed but you're not really sure what to do about it.
The version of intimacy you used to know doesn't fit your life in the same way anymore and although you might logically understand why, perhaps there's this lingering feeling that's leaving you wondering why this has become so difficult. there usually isn’t just one reason why it’s changed
After having a baby, so many things are happening at the same time.
For the person who gave birth, they might still be physically recovering, alongside breastfeeding, hormones changing, pain, sweats or getting used to a body that feels different and has been needed by somebody else all day. Even when you love holding and feeding your baby, there really comes a point where you feel touched out and the thought of someone else wanting your body or needing you attention feels like another thing being asked of you.
For the person who didn't give birth, they might miss the affection, touch, sex or the feeling of being important, whilst feeling unsure whether they're allowed to say it without sounding selfish, demanding or making their partner feel pressured.
At the same time, you're probably both exhausted from feeds, broken sleep, night wakings, work, finances, housework and everything else you need to do to keep everything in life moving.
And then there's the mental load of remembering what needs to happen next, tracking naps, what's running low, organising appointments, thinking about dinner and constantly being a few steps ahead of everyone else.
By the end of the day, you might finally have some time together and the opportunity for intimacy might technically be there, but your energy isn't.
And when this happens often enough, touch feels different. One person might pull away because they've been touched all day and need some physical space, while the other might experience it as rejection.
You're both also adjusting to what life is like now and how you've had to change.
The time and space intimacy used to happen in has also changed. It's now rare to have lazy mornings, spontaneous nights out or even just sitting together without somebody needing something or needing you. And although there's this perceived golden opportunity when the baby is napping or the kids have gone to sleep and deep down you want to make the most of that opportunity, desire is really hard to drum up in that timeframe. And then the pressure starts making things worse
On top of everything else, there's this quiet pressure that you're "supposed" to be having sex again (or at least wanting to).
Sometimes the pressure comes from outside of the relationship. It might be something you've heard from friends, something you've read online, a comment about how long it "should" take after having a baby, you might've gotten the green light from the medical professionals that have given you medical clearance to have sex or simply, you might have heard that your friends have somehow gone back to "normal".
Sometimes the pressure can come from inside your own head too. You might find yourself thinking, "we should probably have sex tonight", wondering if it's been "too long", saying to yourself you "should" make an effort, worry that your partner is getting frustrated, feeling guilty that you don't want to or start questioning why your desire hasn't come back yet.
For the partner wanting more intimacy, there's probably disappointment or uncertainty about whether it's ok to keep bringing it up. You might stop asking because you don't want your partner to feel pressured, whilst missing the closeness and wondering when things will change.
For the other partner, even a gentle attempt at intimacy might feel heavy, uneasy, unnatural. you may feel guilty for not wanting it, worried you're letting your partner down or like you need to make yourself ready because it's been "too long".
That's when intimacy can start to feel like something you're supposed to sort out and once that pressure starts building, it often makes desire even harder to access because instead of being present with your partner, part of you is already thinking about whether you should be doing this, whether you're disappointing them or whether you're going to have to say no again. 
maybe Sometimes what you miss isn’t really sex
When couples talk about intimacy, honestly, the conversation often goes straight to frequency of sex but often, what somebody is trying to describe is the loss of closeness.
The hug that lasts a little longer, joking together in the kitchen, actually having eye contact that feels caring and interested, feeling wanted by your partner as a person or touching each other throughout the day without any sexual intentions or expectations.
Before children, these moments probably happened so naturally that neither of you noticed the role they were playing. But when these moments disappear, sex isn't only happening less often, but that feeling of being close has also disappeared.
This is why trying to fix intimacy by only focusing on how often you're having sex mostly doesn't work because it can miss what both people are actually needing. Why this can be so hard to talk about
For most people, intimacy is a vulnerable thing to talk about when it's going well and it's even more vulnerable when one or both of you are already feeling hurt by what's happening. One person may feel rejected and become afraid to ask because they won't want their partner to hear it as pressure. The other might feel guilty, inadequate or worried they're letting their partner down because they aren't ready or simply don't feel the same desire as they used to.
Sometimes, neither person says much and the distance continues to grow. Other times, you might have tried to have a conversation (or several) but by the time it happens, there's already so much hurt that it turns into an argument instead of helping each other understand what's really going on. something to try this week
If intimacy has become a topic that feels difficult to talk about, try taking sex off the table and talk about closeness instead.
You might begin with:
I miss feeling close to you, not physically but just in general.
From there, you might talk about one small thing that would help each of you feel more connected this week. It could be a proper hug, sitting together for ten minutes without your phones, checking in on each other before the conversation turns into what needs doing, or even holding hands whilst driving or walking. how counselling can help
Counselling can give you somewhere to talk about intimacy without the conversation immediately feeling like pressure, rejection or who's responsible for fixing it.
We can look at what's changed for each of you physically and emotionally, what's been happening around closeness and what each person is needing but finding difficult to say.
The aim isn't to rush you back to the relationship you had before children but to help you work out what intimacy can look like in the life you actually have now and how both people can feel considered in the process. ready to talk?
If intimacy has become something you both have been avoiding because every conversation feels too hard, counselling can help talk about it without either person having to carry all the blame.
Better Days Counselling offers couples counselling in Melbourne, with in-person sessions in Mont Albert North and online sessions available. If you're ready to take the first step, you can book an initial session here.
If you're not quite there yet, you're welcome to reach out with a question first or you can start with the In-Between Service, which is four weeks of personalised email support for people who know something needs to change but aren't ready for counselling yet.