We’ve all been here before, haven’t we?
“I was up four times last night”, “Yeah well I was up five times the night before and I’ve been doing it for six months straight!”
Or one of you mentions how long your day was because you’ve been in meetings all day and your partner sighs and says, “I’d love a day like that”.
And even if neither of you meant anything by it, you’ve started comparing about who slept less, who did more, who had the harder day, who’s had a break and who’s carrying more of the mental load.
Somewhere in the first months or years of parenthood, so many couples find themselves keeping score and it’s so hard to know how to stop.
Why does the scoreboard show up?
When you’re both stretched thin, you just want someone to see how hard you’re working. You want to be noticed for all the sacrifices you’ve made and to know that it’s all worth it, that you’re worth something and that what you’re doing is valued. But usually, the person that you want to notice what you’re doing is usually exhausted too.
When you’ve got not much left in the tank, there’s really not much room to take in someone else’s tiredness. So instead of recognising that things are really hard right now and giving each other some grace and kindness, it can almost feel irritating to hear that our partner is tired. It can feel like a complaint or like they’re asking for something you don’t have to give.
And this is where it can turn into a contest.
The person at home with the baby might be running off broken sleep, doing all the feeds, cleaning the house, doing the groceries, being touched out all day with no adult conversation, no breaks and constantly having to work to someone else’s timeline.
The person who’s at work might be carrying the pressure of providing financially, been in a full day of meetings, missing the baby and all the special moments they’d prefer to be around for, experiencing pressure from their manager and then coming home to a house that feels tense and wondering what they’re supposed to do first.
Both of these experiences are real and they’re both really really hard. And of course, every family is different and sometimes both parents are working or the roles are flipped, but the pattern tends to be the same.
Part of the problem is that you see your own day from the inside and you feel every minute of it, every moment that feels hard and you notice every time you wished for a break but couldn’t have it… but you only see the outline of your partner’s day, just as they only see the outline of yours. So what can happen is that we can start to think that our partner has it easier and that any other situation would be better than the one you’re in now.
Why nobody wins
Here’s the catch. If you compare and try to win the argument of “who has it harder”, your partner walks away feeling dismissed. If you lose the argument, you’re left feeling like your day and your feelings don’t count.
Sometimes, a comment might feel like a dig, so then someone will defend themselves and then the first person feels even less heard or understood and then gets louder and raises the stakes. Before long, there’s a comment about who does more in the relationship…
And the thing is you know that deep down, when you’re not comparing or exhausted or focused on trying to be seen or feeling unappreciated, both of you are doing a lot for the relationship, for each other and for the family, just in different ways.
But when you’re exhausted, it’s really hard to recognise that. All you can feel is how heavy everything is and how little anyone seems to have noticed.
So really, the “who has it harder” trap happens when you’re both asking each other… “Do you see how much I am carrying?”
What it can look like day to day
Sometimes this competition can be out loud. “You have no idea what my day was like”, “You’ve been gone for the whole day and I haven’t even had a break today”, “At least you got to sleep for six hours last night”.
Sometimes, it’s quieter. Like when your blood boils when you hear your partner is tired. Like when you force out a “yes, sure” in response to your partner when they ask to go out with their friends because they need a break or when they go to the toilet for 20 minute or ask for a sleep in because they haven’t had enough rest. Like when you force a smile or nod understandingly when your partner tells their friends that it’s been really hard for them and they’re exhausted and you do everything in your power to hold back your actual thoughts. Like when you get that flash of resentment when you see your partner sit down.
You might even catch yourself playing down your own struggles too. Maybe saying things like “It’s fine, you’ve had a long day” and then feeling quietly bitter than no one noticed you or your day.
Often, the more depleted you both are, the more it happens.
The good news is that it doesn’t take a big conversation to shift this. If what sits underneath the scoreboard is wanting to be seen, you can start by asking for that directly.
Something to try this week
Next time you notice yourself about to compare, try pausing and saying what you need instead of how much harder you have it.
This might sound like, “I’m really tired today and I’d just like you to know”, or “I’ve got so much to do and I just feel so overwhelmed with it all”.
If you’re the one listening, try responding with something simple before adding anything of your own. This might sound like, “that sounds really hard” or “makes sense why you’re feeling so wrecked!”. You can share your own day afterwards (without comparing) and it’ll land really differently especially if your partner has felt heard.
It’s likely that this will feel awkward at first and that’s OK. It’s awkward because it’s new and you’re practising something that probably wasn’t modelled to you. Do it enough times and it will be a game changer!
how counselling can help
Counselling can give you a space to talk about what the comparing is really about, without the conversation running into another round of who has it worse.
We can look at what each of you is carrying, what’s been going unseen and what each of you need to hear from each other. Sometimes, it might not be as simple as telling you both to stop comparing, because the scorekeeping is often a sign that you’re both running on empty and haven’t felt understood or heard.
The aim isn’t to decide who’s doing more or whose load is heavier. It’s to help you both feel seen so you can start working as a team again.
ready to talk?
If you and your partner keep ending up in a contest over who has it harder, counselling can help you talk about what’s happening without either person having to be the one who’s “wrong”.
Better Days Counselling offers couples counselling in Melbourne, with in-person sessions in Mont Albert North and online sessions available. If you're ready to take the first step, you can book an initial session here.
If you're not quite there yet, you're welcome to reach out with a question first or you can start with the In-Between Service, which is four weeks of personalised email support for people who know something needs to change but aren't ready for counselling yet.