You Don't Need to Be in Crisis to Start Counselling

Most people wait until things feel “bad enough” before they think about counselling, even though they’ve been... 

...less connected than they used to be. 
...avoiding certain conversations or having the same one on repeat.  
...feeling more like housemates than partners.  
...less intimate with each other for a long time.  
 
And whilst waiting, they usually tell themselves, "it'll get better when (the kids are older... work calms down... we have more time... our health is better... the weather’s better... we’re on a holiday...)”, "it's probably just a phase, a rough patch”, or “perhaps this is just the way it is now”.  

That kind of thinking makes sense because most of us are taught to push through rather than reach out and maybe you even grew up watching the adults around you do exactly that. 

Why this is so hard 

If you're reading this, there's a good chance you've thought about counselling before (and more than once). And there's an equally good chance you've talked yourself out of it just as many times. 

Maybe we just need a date night. 
Maybe it's just this season of life. 
Maybe I'm overreacting. 
Maybe we can sort it out ourselves eventually. 

That back and forth is exhausting, especially when half of you wants to do something about it and perhaps the other half of you is convinced it's not that bad.  

Or maybe one of you is ready for counselling but the other isn’t and so you keep waiting.  

Why waiting makes things harder

Dr John Gottman's research found that the average couple waits six years before seeking support.  

But six years is a long time, isn’t it? 
That's six years of the same arguments starting up again at night when you’re both too tired. 
The same silence in the car after you’ve dropped the kids off. 
The same trying-but-it's-not-working kind of thing. 
The same "here we go again” feeling.  
The same "why won't they just change" frustration.

And the longer it goes on, the more it piles up.  

By the time most couples come in, they’re not just dealing with one or two things anymore. They're dealing with years of frustration, plus a layer of "we've tried talking about this before and it went nowhere." 

Six years is a long time to be putting up with things.

Most couples who come to counselling wish they’d come sooner, because they realise how much easier things became when they finally had the right support and a different way of talking to each other.

But we’re not fighting so we don’t need counselling 

Some couples who could really benefit from counselling aren’t arguing at all. Instead, they've gone quiet and whilst quiet can look like peace, most liekly what’s happened is a sense of resignation... that “I can’t be bothered anymore” feeling.  

Counselling isn't only for couples who fight a lot. It's also for couples who've drifted, stopped bringing things up, started feeling more like housemates or are just getting through each day, doing all the normal things and not feeling close anymore.

Why sorting it out on your own only gets you so far  

It makes sense to wonder if you should just be able to sort it out between you, lean on the people who already know and love you or figure it out through your own reading and research. 

But the thing is, the people closest to you have usually been hearing one side of this for years and it’s hard to form a view from that even if they’re trying to be fair. A counsellor comes in without any of that history.  they can hold both of your perspectives at the same time without taking sides and this is something almost impossible for a friend or family member to do.  

There’s also a real difference between being comforted and actually changing something. A friend will often tell you what you need to hear to feel better in the moment. A counsellor is trained to spot the pattern underneath and give you the tools to actually interrupt it. 

And although you've been doing your own research, reading about attachment styles or communication patterns or why you keep having the same argument, that only gets you so far too. Understanding something doesn’t automatically change it especially when it takes two people to shift a dynamic. A counsellor helps bridge that gap.  

So where does that leave you?

If you’ve been sitting with the question of whether counselling is for you, it might be worth asking: 

What would it mean for your relationship if things stayed exactly as they are? 

Ready to talk?

If you’ve been thinking about couples counselling and wondering whether now is the right time, hopefully this has helped a little.  

Better Days Counselling offers couples counselling in Melbourne, with in-person sessions in Mont Albert North and online sessions available. If you're ready to take that first step, you can book an initial session here. 

If you're not quite there yet, you're welcome to reach out with a question first, or you can read more here.