What Nobody Tells You About Relationships After Having a Baby

You're in the same house. 
Talking about the things that need to be done. 
Asking, "How was your day?" 
Working together to solve life's problems. 

And yet, something feels off. 

The sense of feeling close and really being together feels harder to find. 

For many couples, feeling disconnected after having a baby happens quietly. Sometimes it looks like shorter conversations, less patience or a growing sense that you are both trying hard but somehow it's not enough. 

What changes after having a baby? 

Becoming parents is one of the biggest transitions a couple can go through together. 

It changes things in ways people often expect but aren't really prepared for. Before the baby arrives, so much energy goes into learning how to care for a newborn but how to look after your relationship rarely gets the same attention. 

The early months (sometimes years) can feel relentless. Less sleep, recovering from birth, feeding, settling, figuring out routines, keeping track of appointments, washing, meals and a constant list of things that need your attention... all while checking if the baby is breathing and whether the colour of their poo looks right. 

There's so much to think about and do. And you're both in it but not in the same way. 

One of you might be home all day, feeling isolated and touched out. The other might be carrying the weight of work and finances, supporting in a different way. One may feel like they're holding everything together whilst the other may feel like they can't get anything right. 

Different experiences, different pressures. But the same bone-deep exhaustion that neither of you saw coming. 

And quietly, without either of you noticing, your relationship begins to shift. What used to feel easy starts to take effort. 

Is it normal to feel this way?

Yes! (and it's more common than most people realise)

Research by Dr John Gottman and his colleagues found that around 67% of couples experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction in the first three years after having a baby. 

The transition into parenthood places pressure on nearly every part of a relationship at the same time. Your time, energy, communication, intimacy, identity and expectations all change. Many couples assumed having a baby would bring them closer and of course, there are ways it does. 

But alongside that, there's distance because the relationship is going through something enormous and it doesn't always have the space and time it needs.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

Feeling disconnected after having a baby is one of the most common things couples go through and it’s one of the least talked about. It doesn't mean something is wrong with your relationship. It usually means your relationship needs the same care that everything else is getting. 

Why the distance grows even when you both care

For most couples, what's happening underneath is harder to name and it can look so many different ways. 

One person may be feeling lonely (not in the obvious sense) and trapped, but not knowing how to ask for help. The other might might be trying to help and just keeps getting shut out.

One person might be anxious and constantly googling everything for answers to make sure they're getting it right, whilst the other might be calm and steady, coming across like they don't care enough. 

One person might feel like they're always the more tired one because they're up doing late night feeds and the other person might feel just as wrecked but they're not allowed to say so, because they weren't up all night.

And when couples try to talk to each other about it, it rarely comes out the way it needs to. Likely, it shows up as irritability, distance or the same arguments happening again and again, like it's a competition, like talking to a brick wall. 

What's likely happening underneath all this is what Gottman describes as the pursuer-withdrawer cycle. One person reaches for connection. The other pulls back. Reaching starts to feel like pressure. Pulling back starts to feel like abandonment. Each response makes sense on its own but together, they create a pattern that both people become trapped in. 

Something worth sitting with

You might recognise yourself in one of the examples above, or in a different version of the same pattern. Either way, there's usually the same thing happening. 

So, try asking yourself one question: 

When did I last feel like we were really on the same team? 

Notice what comes up and consider sharing it with your partner this week. Not as a conversation about what's wrong, but as a way of talking about how it's been feeling.

How counselling can help

If that question is hard to answer or if the distance between you has been growing for a while, counselling can help you understand what's shifted and start to feel less alone in it. 

Counselling can’t fix everything at once but by slowing things down enough to actually hear each other again is a start.  

Ready to talk?

If any of this sounds like your relationship right now, you don't have to keep navigating it alone. 

Better Days Counselling offers couples counselling in Melbourne, with in-person sessions in Mont Albert North and online sessions available. If you're ready to take that first step, you can book an initial session here. 

If you're not quite there yet, you're welcome to reach out with a question first, or you can read more here.